Some seasons of life create community through convenience. When you are young, you make friends at school or sports or camp. You make college friends. Friendships develop from your workplace. Easy friendships emerge when you have children the same age. These relationships begin organically, almost without effort. You can choose to invest time and energy to nurture, deepen and sustain them.
When seasons change — like a career change, a move, a divorce, an empty nest, etc. — some friendships don’t cross over to the new season. Friendships filter through a sieve of intentionality, and we shift into a new season of community through commitment.
I am lucky to say that I’ve deliberately built a community throughout my life. My friend Peggy and I met for the first time when she visited the hospital with her mom on the day I was born. I do not know life without her. She knows all my phases, all my stories, all my darkness and all my light. She reminds me of who I am every time I forget. I met my friend Christi when I was 10 years old. I have two sacred friends from college. I have my brother, my parents, my grown children, my husband and a fortress of friendships that I have collected and guarded like the rare and priceless gemstones that they are.
These friendships started in a convenient manner and at an intersection point of life that brought our timelines together, but in each relationship, there was something forged between us that did not wither, did not wane and did not filter out. When life took our paths in different directions, we doubled down and held tight. This is the community that surrounded Mark and I at our wedding. These were our witnesses. This is our fortress.
What happens if you haven’t been nourishing relationships like this? If busy seasons or circumstances have created a gap that seems too wide to cross?
I often hear this sentiment from people going through empty nesting or divorce, single clients with friends who are moving into different seasons, people who have spent the bulk of their life so focused on their work that they forgot to cultivate community, or parents who are so focused on their kids’ lives that they forgot to create lives of their own.
These transitions can be really challenging because friendship filtration is painful, and emerging from it often begins as resentment — an energy of blame or abandonment projected outward. This is understandable and deserves compassion. And then it must stop.
The outward projection must at some point become an inward reflection. We must shift our thinking from “What has happened to me?” to “What am I going to do next?” If we feel excluded and we meet that by judging and withdrawing, or if we feel abandoned and we meet that by further abandoning ourselves, we end up perpetuating our stuckness and feeding our loneliness.
The only way to counteract this experience is to become the thing we lack or long for. If you want more love, be more loving. If you want more friends, be a good friend. If you want to be deeply known, start deeply knowing. If you want more plans, send an invitation. If you want more community, become communal. If you want more connection, become a conduit. If you feel stale or stuck, learn something new. If you want more balance, recenter yourself. If you want more people to show up for you, show up for yourself, and start showing up for others.
Become the thing you want, and you will find that you want exactly what you have.
Fulfillment. Contentment. Peace. Love. Adventure. Purpose. Joy. Abundance. Belonging.
About Kristin Armstrong
Kristin Armstrong is the author of eight books including: Happily Ever After, Strength for the Climb, Work in Progress: An Unfinished Woman’s Guide to Grace, Heart of my Heart, Mile Markers: The 26.2 Most Important Reasons Why Women Run, Ties that Bind and YES. Her work has led to appearances on Oprah, The Rachel Ray Show, NPR, Good Morning America and The Today Show. In her company, Kristin Armstrong Consulting, she specializes in helping people through life transition zones in career, relationships, parenting and purpose.
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The post Kristin Armstrong on Building Meaningful Friendships in Every Season of Life appeared first on Tribeza.